Waiting

Saturday 13th July 2013

09.30
As I sit here typing this post, I am in the day room of the nursing home where my Dad is currently a resident. I am so nervous. You see, yesterday my Uncle Tappy and myself came in to see the doctor to get an update on my Dad’s condition. We were informed that I is now only a matter of a few days at the most, possibly even that day. I took Tappy home after that then went home myself. A few hours later I was back again, but this time with D. I couldn’t help myself. I just sat a watched my Dad breathing. Every time his breathing changed or paused, my heart skipped a beat. After a couple of hours we went home. I didn’t want to leave, but I needed food and rest and to get changed and showered. Also Denise has work today so she needed rest as well.
So this morning I have come straight to see Dad. They currently have my Dad sedated as he was getting very distressed for the last few days. They have also removed his drip for his fluids. Dad looks very peaceful. More peaceful than I’ve seen him in a while. Still, as I watch him sleep, I am so nervous something will happen while I am by myself but at the same time, I do hope he passes in his sleep without any distress.
Dad woke up and ate a full bowl of ice cream and had a few slurps of coke. As Dad does not appear to recognise me, I thought it best to talk to him as if I was nearly of the carers so he felt more settled knowing someone was keeping an eye on him. Anything to try and keep him calm.

11.00
Joe my Son turned up. He’s not seen Dad for a while. He seemed to be ok, and said he was but he was suprised at how much weight Dad had lost since the last time he saw him. He also commented on the yellow colour of Dad’s skin. I explained dome of the things that happen, have happened already and will happen. Harsh I know, but he needs to understand what’s happening.

13.20
Dad has just had more medication to sedate him. The reason for this is because I walked into his room and his breathing has got quite rapid. I got a bit of a fright and told the carer who got the nurse. I thought ‘it’ was happening. That shows how hard I am finding this time accept, by calling it ‘it’. I’m struggling to say the words. You all know what I mean.

14.00
I noticed again that my Dad’s breathing has changed. His chest is moving up and down normally but his stomach is moving a lot faster. As I quietly entered the room, he woke up and instantly started shouting for Nursey. This is what he has been calling the nurses since he started getting confused. I got the nurse and explained about his chest and stomach and his shouting. She asked me to give them a minute to check him over. After checking him, she came to me and explained that his heart rate is now irregular and as well as the obvious all over change in skin colour to yellow meaning his kidneys are starting to fail, the backs of his legs are now turning blue, meaning his circulation is starting to fail. She also explained that they had just given him some more sedative so it will settle him down again.
I cannot explain how I am starting to feel about things at the moment. Its like I feel numb.
I left to come home and get something to eat get my head together and wait for Denise to get home from work.

19.00

D, Tappy and myself arrived at the home. Dad is still asleep. So not to disturb Dad, we went and sat in the day room. After 10 minutes or so, D nipped along to check on Dad. She came back and said he was shouting for Nursey again. I went along and pressed the call button for the nurse. They came and we left them alone while they made Dad comfortable. After doing that, the nurse explained to us that they have had to remove his catheter as it wasn’t working any more, and after that, he was able to pee freely so was obviously in a bit discomfort due to this.

A little later on, the nurse explained that they have increased his medication from 10mg to 15mg as the 10mg was no longer keeping Dad settled and comfortable.

20.00

D drove Tappy home while I stayed at the home with a coffee. I checked in on Dad every so often and then sat in the garden area to relax.
This is more than likely going to sound awful but while I was outside, a couple of funeral directors turned up to collect someone. I recognised one of them straight away. It was Alan, who was the director who dealt with my mother’s funeral back in January of this year. I said hi to him and we got on chatting. I explained about Dad. He was very sorry and suprised to hear the news. As Alan did such a great job arranging my mother’s funeral, and my Dad got on really well with him I asked if he would have any problems being the director for my Dad’s funeral once he has gone. He said there would be no problem at all apart from he will be off work next week if that’s when it would be. I think my Dad would be pleased it was the same lovely man arranging his funeral as sorted his wife’s.
Again I didn’t feel right leaving to come home but we were shattered and needed food.

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