Sorry guys, I felt I had to do this post. Even if its a way to just vent my feelings a bit. Its about depression, anxiety and feelings, so please feel free to skip this blog if you wish. If you do read it all, I thank you.
I also realise that this may be grammatically all over the place but I just typed it as it came into my head. I hope you understand.
Due to things happening at work, which is involving an investigation due to a complaint I made and is currently ongoing, I am being left with a massive mental problem. A lot of you may not think it is massive, and in truth, it may not be massive, but in my head, it is huge.
Because of these ongoing things, which at this point I cannot go into, I am not suffering from horrible anxiety attacks which give me painful chest pains. As if this isn’t enough, my brain has basically been turned to mush recently.
A lot of the time I get chest pains or get anxious for no reason at all that I can think of. It just comes on.
On a normal day, when I want to do normal stuff like housework, tidying up, cleaning, washing, answering emails, make phone calls, etc, my brain decides it cannot process anything. Its like my brain just goes into some sort of knowledgeless mode as if it does not know how to do the most common and simple things. It sort of switches off, and I am left bewildered, confused and frustrated as I know I know how to do these things but my brain has decided otherwise and flicked itself into its own version of ‘safe mode’. The only thing I’m missing is a crash report to submit to the brains tech support.
Everything there is to do has a counterintuitive effect.( I hope thats the right word to use ). I know some things I need to do have dead lines, but my brain cannot help me perform these tasks, and because of the deadline, I get more anxious and my brain gets more mushed up, and so on. Its like a snow ball effect. Also normal everyday tasks, I know I can do them normally, and the fact I struggle to do them currently, builds up frustration as well. Again, with the snow ball effect.
So many times, I have had things to do, and my brain just seems to switch off, and I go into a kind of daze, in a world of my own, oblivious to whats happening around me.
My eating is all over the place. I am supposed to be on a diet, but cannot even focus on that at the moment. And as bad as this may sound, and this is totally out of normal character for me, I can go for days without even washing ( apart from brushing my teeth ). I have no interest in it.
Sometimes in the blink of an eye, I go from not being able to function or do anything, to going on a mad cleaning spree or doing something in the garden to tidy up, etc etc. I have mentioned this to my doctor and he is happy I an not starting to become bipolar. Thats one good thing I suppose.
Yes, I have been given meds. Citalopram ( anti depressants ) to be precise, and have also just been prescribed Propranolol (Beta Blockers) for the chest pains etc which I have yet to get from the chemist, but so far the Citalopram does not seem to make any difference apart from make me want to sleep all the time, which my doc says is unusual for that drug.
At the end of all this, because of everything going on, I am left feeling very down, frustrated, anxious, and not sure who I am to a certain extent. This is not me. Not me as I know myself anyway. Even typing this post is giving me chest pains.
There may be some things I have not covered but I may remember later, but that is the way my head is working, or not working at the moment.
If you have read this far, I thank you so much for your time and really appreciate it.