7 ways to stop your partner snoring. ( not exactly legal)

1: One of the most obvious ones is a nose clip thing. I am not sure how this is meant to work as my wife snores from her mouth not her nose. Some may find this works but we didn’t. This is a very humane method, the same as the age old gumshield device.

2: Smothering with a pillow. This one may require a bit of stamina as the snoring partner will more than likely try to fight you off. If you can avoid the flailing arms and legs, this method can be very successful. No more will you be bothered by a loud, rumbling, animal like noise during the night. You may find that once you get used to the quiet, you sleep like a baby. Note: You may require the expert help of specialist removal men to help dispose of the silent lump in the bed next to you, but I would advise using their services before you notice a smell of see flies.

3: Electric cattle prod. This can prove effective as well, but may lead to some undesired consequences. Such as the chance that one day when you least expect it, the prod may be used on you in retaliation. The use of the cattle prod, has significantly increased the rates of divorce in recent years so beware. I feel I should advise that, when using a cattle prod, if you notice a smell of bacon, this means you are using it on the person for more time than is required.

4: Moving your partner outside. This is done by whatever means you feel necessary but must be done without the snorers knowledge, as if they wake up then the end result could be you moving outside instead.
I have heard of someone who was sick if their husband snoring in his favourite chair that she pushed him to the front door, opened the door and left him for the night. This was during a blizzard. Obviously this could be a very handy method, if your partner looks great with a blue complexion, and they look good as a snowman. Moving you partner outside has loads of possibilities, depending on you strength, such as simply lying them on the car bonnet ( think of the healthy fresh air they will get), or physically inserting them into your wheelie bin. ( at least that way they stay sheltered).
Obviously if you live on the 25th floor of a high rise, it makes it a bit easier. It’s just a case of opening a window and giving them a helping hand. This has the effect of instant silence. Bliss.

5: Airhorn. This is an extra effective method, as not only would you wake your partner, but also the people half way down the street. So by your good deed, you could help loads of people get a good night sleep. How community spirited is that. A word of warning with this one is that it has been known to bring on heart attacks. No while this seems awful at first, the bright side is, you will have a peaceful nights sleep while your partner is either lifeless next to you, or in hospital receiving life saving treatment. Winner winner chicken dinner I say.

6: Duct tape / carpet tape. This can be similar to smothering by pillow (see number one), if you also cover the nose. Depending on the results you desire to have, either tape up the mouth, nose or both. Your partner may well thank you for this method is they are female, as removing the tape in the morning acts as an exfoliant. They will rejoice at how good their hairless face looks after you very thoughtful actions. This is a good one to score brownie points with your partner.

7: The Pinata. Again, this one is for those who are quite strong. Do not be afraid to call so special help in if needed for this. If your partner is snoring so bad, that you possibly cannot go on any more with no sleep, and the reflection in the mirror looks like an extra from The Walking Dead, then this is definitely one for you to consider. May sure you have a hook or similar contraption securely fixed to the ceiling in the bedroom. Tell your partner you are preparing for a kinky night as an excuse if they question it. When the time comes, and they are belting out the sounds of the worst storm to hit mankind, the get a thick rope, tie it round their ankles, and hoist them up to the ceiling gently so they do not wake up. This is where that baseball bat you have been etching their name into over and over on those sleepless nights comes in handy. NOw the methid of this is to imagine you are a child hitting a pinata to get all the sweets out of it, or as an adult, the pinata is full of nice, peaceful, never to be disturbed again, nights sleeps. Give it all you have with the bat, until you are satisfied, you wish for peaceful sleep has been granted. You may, for this method have to call in some very discrete cleaners, unless of course you have mastered the ways of Dexter from the TV show and used copious amounts of polythene to cover the room silently before hand.

Well there you have it my friends. I hope one of these methods helps you in your quest for a restful night.

Take care

Steve

(obviously this is dark humour, so if you do try any of these, on you head be it)

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