Category Archives: Personal

A nervous day

Its been a long while since I last did a proper blog post. Like so many bloggers and writers out there, I just sort of dried up and could not think of what to put down in writing. I found it a bit easier to vlog ( video blog ) but even then I have had times where I cannot think of something to vlog about. Its pretty much the way my mind works these day and has been for a good few years now.

Today, saw the first telephone contact with the new therapists. The reason for this is that recently there has been an increase in mood swings, anxiety attacks and panic attacks, hyper vigilance PLUS a new development compared to previous times, which at this time, I cannot divulge, but is a concerning development for me. It is due to this new development I decided to self refer myself and to act proactively and nip this in the bud before things got too bad, unlike the last time in 2013 where I ended up in a really ‘dark’ place mentally speaking.

Last week should of been my first phone call with the therapist but thanks to the gas engineers being at our house fitting new smart meters, the call had to be abandoned and rearranged for this week. Like so many people will have done before something like this, I had built this up in my head, so that the closer it got to the call, the more uptight I was getting.

Bang on time at 10am the phone rang and it was a young girl from the therapists who was a trainee counsellor. All she need to do this week was get details to pass to her supervisorabout what has been happening and what prompted me to self refer to them. She seemed really nice and caring, as you would expect, which really helped put me at ease. I answered all the questions she asked and additionally volunteered more information. I will not bore you with the questions she asked but anyone who has been though this process will know exactly what the standard questions of the GAD7 and PQ9 plus a couple of other forms are, including if I had suicidal or self harming thoughts, which thankfully I haven’t. Even though the girl was really nice, afterwards I was still left feeling drained and really down. Since it’s about 4 years since my last therapy session, I forgot how the after effects feel. Pretty crappy to be honest. If it wasn’t for the fact I was run of my feet busy for the rest of the day, I would of locked myself away for the rest of the day and not resurfaced until the evening, just to get some alone time and to process everything.

The girl ended the call after arranging another call tomorrow at 18.00 to speak to me about which direction they can take the sessions, and what sort of help they can provide moving forward. Hopefully there is something they can do for me.

Wish me luck.

I need to write this down about how things have turned bad

Sorry guys, I felt I had to do this post. Even if its a way to just vent my feelings a bit. Its about depression, anxiety and feelings, so please feel free to skip this blog if you wish. If you do read it all, I thank you.
I also realise that this may be grammatically all over the place but I just typed it as it came into my head. I hope you understand.

Due to things happening at work, which is involving an investigation due to a complaint I made and is currently ongoing, I am being left with a massive mental problem. A lot of you may not think it is massive, and in truth, it may not be massive, but in my head, it is huge.
Because of these ongoing things, which at this point I cannot go into, I am not suffering from horrible anxiety attacks which give me painful chest pains. As if this isn’t enough, my brain has basically been turned to mush recently.
A lot of the time I get chest pains or get anxious for no reason at all that I can think of. It just comes on.

On a normal day, when I want to do normal stuff like housework, tidying up, cleaning, washing, answering emails, make phone calls, etc, my brain decides it cannot process anything. Its like my brain just goes into some sort of knowledgeless mode as if it does not know how to do the most common and simple things. It sort of switches off, and I am left bewildered, confused and frustrated as I know I know how to do these things but my brain has decided otherwise and flicked itself into its own version of ‘safe mode’. The only thing I’m missing is a crash report to submit to the brains tech support.

Everything there is to do has a counterintuitive effect.( I hope thats the right word to use ). I know some things I need to do have dead lines, but my brain cannot help me perform these tasks, and because of the deadline, I get more anxious and my brain gets more mushed up, and so on. Its like a snow ball effect. Also normal everyday tasks, I know I can do them normally, and the fact I struggle to do them currently, builds up frustration as well. Again, with the snow ball effect.
So many times, I have had things to do, and my brain just seems to switch off, and I go into a kind of daze, in a world of my own, oblivious to whats happening around me.
My eating is all over the place. I am supposed to be on a diet, but cannot even focus on that at the moment. And as bad as this may sound, and this is totally out of normal character for me, I can go for days without even washing ( apart from brushing my teeth ). I have no interest in it.

Sometimes in the blink of an eye, I go from not being able to function or do anything, to going on a mad cleaning spree or doing something in the garden to tidy up, etc etc. I have mentioned this to my doctor and he is happy I an not starting to become bipolar. Thats one good thing I suppose.

Yes, I have been given meds. Citalopram ( anti depressants ) to be precise, and have also just been prescribed Propranolol (Beta Blockers) for the chest pains etc which I have yet to get from the chemist, but so far the Citalopram does not seem to make any difference apart from make me want to sleep all the time, which my doc says is unusual for that drug.

At the end of all this, because of everything going on, I am left feeling very down, frustrated, anxious, and not sure who I am to a certain extent. This is not me. Not me as I know myself anyway. Even typing this post is giving me chest pains.

There may be some things I have not covered but I may remember later, but that is the way my head is working, or not working at the moment.

If you have read this far, I thank you so much for your time and really appreciate it.

Those long sleepless nights

I hate these nights. You know them. You have all had them. The nights when no matter how hard you try, everything in the universe seems to go against you and do it’s best to stop you from going to sleep, even though you are absolutely knackered and feel and look like something from T.V’s Walking Dead. You lie there in the dark and hear every single little sound. The house creaking, the cat snoring, your partner snoring ( these last two are happening to me right now ), a fly farting at the other end of the street. No matter how hard you try to ignore the sounds, they somehow seem to be amplified in the still of the night. You might as well have them blasting through a 1000 watt speaker system.
For me, the longer the night goes on, the more I get tired but still cannot sleep, the more my restless leg plays up and my leg then decides it wants to do a remake of the Riverdance in bed.
Then, the daylight starts to creep in around the edge of the curtains or blinds, and its at that time the dawn chorus starts outside our window. As much as I love nature and all its feathered and furry creatures, at half four in the morning, I could happily shoot the little buggers for the racket they are making.
Then between half four and five AM, one of our cats does his best to wake us up to let him out, or should I say he used to before we succumbed to installing a cat flap with a timer that unlocks at 5am. Now the little sod gets impatient and tries to wake us at 4.30 to let him out. He goes so far as to get on the shelf above out head and deliberately knocks stuff off onto our heads. Stuff like the phone, a wand I bought in York, the remote for our ceiling light, and one time I nearly had my crystal ball dropped on me. He even sometimes goes up to my accoustic bass guitar and plucks the strings to wake us. Now thats funny as sometimes it sounds like a good tune, but again at 4.30am its the last thing I want to hear.

So here I am, sitting downstairs on one of those nights, in our cold, and quiet dining room, typing this for something to do.
I hope I am not alone in this. Let me know what keeps you awake at night.

Advice needed for my diet

If anyone can offer and moral support or help it would be great

Random chat on a boring day

A trip to the coast

My diet journey and shoutout and guest appearance by Costa the cat

See the description on YouTube for the links to Al’s channel and Bumblebee video.

#TI1M hashtag vlog.

Today in one minute quick vlog I thought I would try for a bit of fun. Feel free to try this yourself.

This is me My first vlog in a long time

I thought I would do a personal vlog ( rather than reviews )for the first time in about 2 years. I miss doing these since having my old YouTube channel.

A small favour of you lovely folk

Just a quick post this time

I am hopefully going to start using my YouTube channel alongside my blog for vlogs and reviews, so if you fancy popping across and subbing me you could well be in with a chance of seeing my ugly mug every so often.
I used to vlog a lot up until a couple of years ago so would be nice to get back into it again. Hopefully work doesn’t get in the way this time.

My YouTube channel can be found here

Many thanks guys. I really hope some of you pop across and subscribe. It would mean a lot.

Take care and have a great weekend.