Tag Archives: stress

A nervous day

Its been a long while since I last did a proper blog post. Like so many bloggers and writers out there, I just sort of dried up and could not think of what to put down in writing. I found it a bit easier to vlog ( video blog ) but even then I have had times where I cannot think of something to vlog about. Its pretty much the way my mind works these day and has been for a good few years now.

Today, saw the first telephone contact with the new therapists. The reason for this is that recently there has been an increase in mood swings, anxiety attacks and panic attacks, hyper vigilance PLUS a new development compared to previous times, which at this time, I cannot divulge, but is a concerning development for me. It is due to this new development I decided to self refer myself and to act proactively and nip this in the bud before things got too bad, unlike the last time in 2013 where I ended up in a really ‘dark’ place mentally speaking.

Last week should of been my first phone call with the therapist but thanks to the gas engineers being at our house fitting new smart meters, the call had to be abandoned and rearranged for this week. Like so many people will have done before something like this, I had built this up in my head, so that the closer it got to the call, the more uptight I was getting.

Bang on time at 10am the phone rang and it was a young girl from the therapists who was a trainee counsellor. All she need to do this week was get details to pass to her supervisorabout what has been happening and what prompted me to self refer to them. She seemed really nice and caring, as you would expect, which really helped put me at ease. I answered all the questions she asked and additionally volunteered more information. I will not bore you with the questions she asked but anyone who has been though this process will know exactly what the standard questions of the GAD7 and PQ9 plus a couple of other forms are, including if I had suicidal or self harming thoughts, which thankfully I haven’t. Even though the girl was really nice, afterwards I was still left feeling drained and really down. Since it’s about 4 years since my last therapy session, I forgot how the after effects feel. Pretty crappy to be honest. If it wasn’t for the fact I was run of my feet busy for the rest of the day, I would of locked myself away for the rest of the day and not resurfaced until the evening, just to get some alone time and to process everything.

The girl ended the call after arranging another call tomorrow at 18.00 to speak to me about which direction they can take the sessions, and what sort of help they can provide moving forward. Hopefully there is something they can do for me.

Wish me luck.

Had to put this down in words

depression

I just thought I would put this down in words while I’m on the laptop and its in my head as I know, like everything else, I’ll just put it on the back burner and forget about it.
It comes to something when you are dreading going back to work, even after just one day off. You prey for the days to go fast so that your next day off comes around quickly. Well thats how I feel at the moment. I feel up and down health wise. I still feel I’m not right with this bug or whatever knocking me for six every day and making me just want to sleep and sapping me of all enthusiasm to do the normal stuff in life. Theres also the stress, and depression stuff that coincides with that at the same time which seems to double the tiredness and downers.
I know Denise is having a hard and busy time at work so she’s pretty run down as well. I hate seeing her like that. It’s not the normal Denise I know and love. She also has worries about her Dad who’s in hospital after having a knee replacement.
Then on top of that there’s Georgia with her health problems ( I.B.S ) which is upsetting her and getting her anxious about going to school. As a parent, its horrible seeing your child so messed up and unhappy about stuff. I know we will eventually get her diet sorted out to figure out what she can and cannot eat and get her feeling a bit better, or a lot better hopefully, but for now its hard watching her get so upset about it.
I am so looking forward to when we all start feeling a lot better. I hope it’s sooner rather than later but for now, like everyone else has to do, we will try to keep smiling and soldier on.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Take care everyone
Steve

I need to write this down about how things have turned bad

Sorry guys, I felt I had to do this post. Even if its a way to just vent my feelings a bit. Its about depression, anxiety and feelings, so please feel free to skip this blog if you wish. If you do read it all, I thank you.
I also realise that this may be grammatically all over the place but I just typed it as it came into my head. I hope you understand.

Due to things happening at work, which is involving an investigation due to a complaint I made and is currently ongoing, I am being left with a massive mental problem. A lot of you may not think it is massive, and in truth, it may not be massive, but in my head, it is huge.
Because of these ongoing things, which at this point I cannot go into, I am not suffering from horrible anxiety attacks which give me painful chest pains. As if this isn’t enough, my brain has basically been turned to mush recently.
A lot of the time I get chest pains or get anxious for no reason at all that I can think of. It just comes on.

On a normal day, when I want to do normal stuff like housework, tidying up, cleaning, washing, answering emails, make phone calls, etc, my brain decides it cannot process anything. Its like my brain just goes into some sort of knowledgeless mode as if it does not know how to do the most common and simple things. It sort of switches off, and I am left bewildered, confused and frustrated as I know I know how to do these things but my brain has decided otherwise and flicked itself into its own version of ‘safe mode’. The only thing I’m missing is a crash report to submit to the brains tech support.

Everything there is to do has a counterintuitive effect.( I hope thats the right word to use ). I know some things I need to do have dead lines, but my brain cannot help me perform these tasks, and because of the deadline, I get more anxious and my brain gets more mushed up, and so on. Its like a snow ball effect. Also normal everyday tasks, I know I can do them normally, and the fact I struggle to do them currently, builds up frustration as well. Again, with the snow ball effect.
So many times, I have had things to do, and my brain just seems to switch off, and I go into a kind of daze, in a world of my own, oblivious to whats happening around me.
My eating is all over the place. I am supposed to be on a diet, but cannot even focus on that at the moment. And as bad as this may sound, and this is totally out of normal character for me, I can go for days without even washing ( apart from brushing my teeth ). I have no interest in it.

Sometimes in the blink of an eye, I go from not being able to function or do anything, to going on a mad cleaning spree or doing something in the garden to tidy up, etc etc. I have mentioned this to my doctor and he is happy I an not starting to become bipolar. Thats one good thing I suppose.

Yes, I have been given meds. Citalopram ( anti depressants ) to be precise, and have also just been prescribed Propranolol (Beta Blockers) for the chest pains etc which I have yet to get from the chemist, but so far the Citalopram does not seem to make any difference apart from make me want to sleep all the time, which my doc says is unusual for that drug.

At the end of all this, because of everything going on, I am left feeling very down, frustrated, anxious, and not sure who I am to a certain extent. This is not me. Not me as I know myself anyway. Even typing this post is giving me chest pains.

There may be some things I have not covered but I may remember later, but that is the way my head is working, or not working at the moment.

If you have read this far, I thank you so much for your time and really appreciate it.

A nice weekend

What a lovely weekend I have had. In fact I think we all have had a nice weekend. I know D, like me, is on some sort of weird high. Don’t panic we are not having some sort of flower power hippy, tree hugging party or anything as exciting as that. The reason is simple. I have mentioned a few times recently that we are trying to sort out our finances. Well, we have started today, in earnest. We have sat each night for the last couple of nights, putting all our incomings and outgoings onto Apple Numbers spreadsheets, and even going so far in advance up to end of May 2013. We have budgeted money for everything. If the sheets are 1p out compared to the bank, we are looking for it. Which we had to do the other night, and what a cow that was to find. Got it sorted in the end though thankfully. Anyway, we budgeted money for our weekly shop. We decided on a weekly shop rather than daily shopping, as we are both terrible at impulse buying. Anyway we set our budget and we actually managed to keep well within it, and walked out with a trolley full of stuff to last the week. Its made D and I very pleased to know that if we keep to the plan, we are going to be a lot better off financially. We just have to be strict thats all.

Today is the day I go to the doctors for my appointment that I should of had on Friday, but I cocked up. I will be mentioning about the receptionist that refused to help me. I just hope the doctor is able to help. Its not normal that I feel emotional for no reason at random times, and keep have bouts of the shakes and I keep getting chest pains. One moment Im fine then for no reason, I start feeling down, or I get the chest pains and shakes. If something annoys me, for example, the doctors receptionist on Friday, the chest pains start straight away, and I start getting the shakes and sometimes feel a bit like woozy. On Saturday I had to leave a shop I was in with Denise because I started to feel unwell. I had to find a seat to sit down in before I fell over. As I mentioned in my last post, my manager has already told me that this is a very stressful time to be coming back to work. Even typing this I can feel chest pains coming on. I’m not sleeping well either. I am tossing and turning for what feels all night. Another thing Ive noticed is that Im becoming forgetful at time. I could walk into a room, and the my brain goes blaaaaahhhhhhhh, and I stand there like an idiot staring. I know Im meant to be doing something, but its like my brain has no idea. This is happening too often for my liking.

This is the second time I have typed this post. Last night it was twice the length, but WordPress decided to have one of its moments and as I was uploading it, it crashed and I lost everything apart from the first 200 words. Needless to say, this pee’d me off a bit. Thats about 800 words I lost last night. So from me ‘Thank you very much WordPress, you obviously intend for me to start pressing the save draft button after every sentence from now on.’

A long but eventful day

11 / 01 / 2013

Today did not start well. I spent the first hour ( or two ), ringing the home insurance company AND the mortgage company. You see, every year I have to inform the mortgage company that I have valid home insurance, as per the mortgage agreement. Every year, I get my home insurance company to fax the mortgage company direct with the new insurance policy to confirm I’m covered, and if I don’t, then the mortgage company place their own insurance on top of the mortgage. This happened in 2011 – 2012, and it turned out I had been paying insurance premiums to both companies. When this happens, theres an agreement between all insurance companies that they go 50/50 on the refunds due for the over payment. Its called dual cover, or something like that.Last year I got half back, but, down to what I can only describe on my behalf as pure laziness, I never claimed the second half back and ended up losing the forms. This year I decided to get my finger out and claim it back. I received new forms in the post, but to save time I asked the insurance company to fax the mortgage company direct with the forms, which they agreed. This was a week ago, and it still has not been received. That was over a week ago. This may not seem bad but, on top of this is an ongoing problem whereas this year, since the beginning of January, the insurance company has faxed the mortgage company 4 times with the insurance details to show I’m covered. The first one, I accept was the old policy so I can understand why that was not accepted but the 2nd, 3rd and 4th times, they say they never received and keep sending me letters saying that they don’t have records of my cover. But at the same time the insurance company say that they have been faxing them, and confirming the details, and that according to their fax machine, the documents were received by the mortgage companies fax machine. I’m stuck in the middle having to take time to make all these phone calls and getting more and more stressed about it, at a time, I could do without any more stress. I’m at a loss.

After all that fiasco, I went with my Dad to the bank to fill in and sign more paperwork. With that done, thankfully, from what I can tell, thats it for now. Its just a waiting game with the solicitors, with regards to letters of administration. This is like a probate type thing, but when no will is left. This could take2 possibly 3 months, depending how complicated it is. Hopefully not that long though. So for the time being, my Dad can eventually take time out to relax and start sorting the house out, when he feels up to it that is. Theres loads of stuff, as you can imagine for him to clear out. My Mam’s clothes and personal stuff that are no longer needed. I told my Dad, If he wanted me to do her wardrobes, I would. If he found it to hard. All over the house, though, there are things that nned clearing. Either thrown out, given to charity, or packed away in boxes. It is going to have to be done at some point, and I know my Dad. He does not like fuss, so I can well imagine him just not doing it and convincing himself that he is not ready to do it, no matter how long it is, and when the time eventually comes that my Dad ‘goes’, we will have the entire contents of his and my Mam’s to clear, in the two weeks the council give us to empty the house.

Tonight, was a lot less stressful. Grace went ice skating for the first time, at the temporary ice rink at Newcastle’s Centre Of Life. This ice rink comes every year at winter and is there for a couple of months before being packed away again. Now, considering it was her first ever time on ice skates, she looked really confident. She obviously had to hold onto the side most of the time, as she was not used to it, but compared to some of the other kids, she did not look worried or frightened at all. I was really impressed. She only fell over once when she pushed herself away too hard and ended up on her butt with a thud. I think it was more her pride that took a battering then, although she may have a sore butt tomorrow.

This is G, posing for the camera. D and myself we really proud of her.

First time ice skating. Taken at Newcastle's Centre of Life. 11/01/2013
First time ice skating. Taken at Newcastle’s Centre of Life. 11/01/2013